So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
