when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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