Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
