A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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