I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
