All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
