i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
