my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
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