I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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