you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
