saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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