i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
