My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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