i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
