I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
