i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
