I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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