Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
