mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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