I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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