she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
