Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
