On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
