my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
