remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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