Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
