You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
