And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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