Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
