I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
