I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
