started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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