You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You're like the curious george of whores
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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