Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
