When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I think i got beer on your cat.
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