Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
she woke up with a sticky ear
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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