Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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