I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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