Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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