My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
