I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
