I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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