GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
