true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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