My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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