He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
