I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
