Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
