the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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