we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Randomize
