these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
