just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
