am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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