I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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