somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I got her a Nickelback box set.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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