I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
