I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
